I do all the don’ts every time and never thought of how it would have been portrayed on the other side. They all seem to be that right things to do in most situations. But looking at them in that perspective really shows that they can do more harm then good.
I really don’t do a lot of the do’s- Listens closely and expectedly is not my strong suit- I have a bad habit of interrupting and putting my opinion and two cents in were it is not invited.
I do ask questions in most situations but only with the intent to compare it to a similar situation and give advice from my own personal experience.
I do reflectively think but not with he right motives. I tend to overthink and obsess over fixing their situation.
I most often offer support. I think I go there because I think it will make the person like me. This is not really loving or meeting or knowing the person, but rather using the other for my own good feeling.
I most often don’t listen closely and expectantly. I very often am thinking of what I need to say next, how to answer. I can listen and expect God’s good, and I have seen that happen more often, but I really have to work to still my self-centeredness.
Don’t advise. When curiosity ends all too quickly, when I’m feeling like I need to move on with it to prove my own worth, then I jump into advisement. It’s really the easiest way to go.
Do ask questions. Again. I stop asking questions. I stop relying on God so that I can get on with it. Prove my worth. Make it worth my while to my own feelings of inferiority and not being good enough. Questions can elongate the process and risk exposing my inadequacy and lack of perceived expertise.
I tend seldomly to advise since I want to share things I recently learned. Also I don’t take much time to think and reflect intentionally, but from now on I will…
Moving abroad in my late teens and needing to provide for myself there “demanded” that I remained wholy-reliant on my own resources and problem-solving. Hence, I must be watchful of the temptation to problem-solve for other people, to give advice and to try and fix their life for them.
I’m guilty of all three of the don’ts, but the one most prevalent for me is offering support. When I speak to the newly diagnosed breast cancer patients, I always ask to pray with them and actually thought I was doing the right thing. Now I see it may be fine in some situations but not necessarily on the first conversation with them.
I’m the worst at listening intently. I think this is because my brain is already engaging about how I can help the person talking. Another reason could be because I’m a person that needs time to process, then respond later. Something I hope will get better as I learn more about helping others.
I do all three don’t s but I guess I offer Scripture most.
I don’t do all three do’s but I don’t think reflectively the most. I always tend to speak first; something I will definitely need supernatural help for.
I have not asked enough questions before giving advice. Partially is that I think that others would have told me what I need to know and may be culturally there is a barrier to how much I should pry into other’s privacy.
It’s also the awkward dead air that will make me talk more than necessary and I should have listen better.
My top “don’t” would be to not advise. I have always felt that if someone was asking or telling me their situation, it was to get my opinion. The “if they didn’t want my opinion they shouldn’t have told me.”
I feel that when someone confides in me, I listen whole heartedly and give them my full attention. I never want anyone to think that I don’t care. The next one, which would be a close second would be to ask questions. I have a “let me see if I can help’ syndrome and to do that I have to ask questions. I am trying very hard now, to watch how I interact with others, and how I am responding.
The 3 don’ts in short are: Don’t back away; don’t give advice; don’t give support.
Of these I most often give advice. I do this because I want to help my friend do the right thing or be delivered from their current difficult situation.
I tend to do this because I don’t want to see people I care for be stuck in undesirable or painful situations. In some cases, it pains me to see them suffering, and their suffering directly affects me, so I somewhat selfishly want them to be delivered.
The 3 do’s in short are: Listen attentively with expectation; Ask questions; Think reflectively. I tend not to ask questions. Many times because I can’t think of anything to ask. Maybe I lack the curiosity that Dr. Crabb speak of. But mostly, I can’t think of anything to ask, 🙁
Of the three don’ts of soul care I often find myself offering support. I believe the first reason I do this is because it is the environment I grew up in. Often receiving first the support from family that really did make what I was going through trivial and also having the counter effect of making me feel of lesser value. At the same time I jump to this don’t because I want to covey you the person that they matter. While the heart is good the action is a poor choice.
Of the three do’s I tend not to reflectively think. Instead I try to take every moment and fill it as much as I possibly can. Even in the lesson hearing it I was visualizing how I do things I. Other areas of my life. I guess I don’t reflect because I look at the pause as a void needing to be filled and instantly feel pressure to fill it.
The “don’t” that I do the most often would be offering support too soon. I think part of it is the training I have had n graduate school to validate and build rapport with the person. On another level, though, I can offer support too soon because I don’t always know what to do or say. I sometimes can get nervous hearing a person’s issue and offer a kind word to help me feel less nervous. The “do” I would most often use would be asking good curious questions. Part of it, again, would be training, but I am very curious about those I meet within counseling.
I’ve failed at all of them. Not listened enough before I spoke. Spoke without asking questions but I really haven’t thought reflectively after hearing what’s been shared. I think its because I think I always have to have an answer and besides that, the silence of just reflecting would make me uncomfortable. Something about silence makes me feel I like I should be saying something. I’ll have to learn to do better on this one.
I have done several of the don’ts but most often I think I offer support probably prematurely. I want to be Prozac for the other person, to make them feel better quickly and I suspect I don’t really want to have to actually get any deeper into their soul. I suppose I just want to say something that hopefully makes them feel better and I feel good about having done so. Not pretty.
Considering the three don’t that were covered in this lesson I find myself offering support. The reason for taking such approach is that I want the individual to know and feel that I have listened to the problem and trying to show them how much I care by taking action. Asking to pray with them, or asking how else I can help has been the path taken, but with this lesson have understood the reasoning why such method can be taken in offence. Whenever someone shares details about his or her life the goal is not to trivialize or minimize the problem he or she is experiencing which this lesson has made clear. The Do that I tend not to do as often is ask questions-I do not want the person to feel like I am prying too much. If he or she had the courage to share that much then it should be up to that individual to continue. I could correct this thinking by perhaps asking if I may continue to ask questions-out of curiosity. Not to advise but to continue to reflect upon what he or she is saying and providing that safe space.
With the dont’s I think it depends upon the situation. I back away from people who I think are judgmental or critical and are not talking about their situation in such a way that they want to receive help or resolve conflict. I used to give advice a lot but it harmed relationships. It’s probably the one I did the most, And I hope that pattern is broken, but I know I fight falling into it. Offering support since the quickest way to help the person feel you care but I understand it can trivialize situations and make a person feel you understand their struggle.
Of the three dos, Listening reflectively is the one I do the least. Sometimes I think they feel the empathy from me when I have not converted it, or I try to convey it by offering something before they really know and trust me.
I find myself offering support most quickly of the 3 dont’s. It is hard to sit with the uncomfortable confusion of another’s mess, and I want to make them feel better fast! This can trivialize what they are sharing; and that is not my desire.
Of the three do’s, I find myself wanting to fill space with words. I find it difficult to think meditatively and ponder the important things the person is sharing. I find silence awkward. This is something I want to work on. I have experienced being listened to in a way that I feel very validated by having my listener acknowledge what I’m saying and offer her presence more than words.
Of the “Don’ts”, my go to is offering support. I definitely pray with them. I feel the inadequacy of my life and I know there is power in prayer, but did not realize that I was trivializing their problem and life; so I definitely am wanting to make that change.
Of the “Do’s”, I am not good at asking questions. I’m a very good listener; so I have found myself praying that God would give me questions recently to be able to dig in deeper and lean in more to conversations.
I tend to want to give advice. Of course, it comes from a place of love; I often have journeyed a similar road, or I have gained some knowledge or wisdom on the subject, and I want to share this with the dear friend or family member. However, it is often met with frustration because people are often really just wanting to unload their hurts, and not get the solution.
I don’t tend to ask enough good questions. If I do ask questions, it’s more of a “prying” type of question, but I want to improve on the curiosity mindset. I make assumptions and/or ask leading questions instead of just listening intently, and BEING with the person through the struggle.
Missed out the DO…
I do not listen long enough attentively – I tend to be able ‘to pick up’ quite fast, and not patient enough for then person in need to narrate his/her stories again and again. Insufficient curiosity to enter the person’s world.
I “back off” when I sense trouble, feel inadequate. I “back off” by referring the person to a professional, to a support group.
Out of the 3 basic “don’ts – the one I most do is give advice – I tend to say if that was me Iwould do this or that and you should try it. Or this is what I did you should try it. I feel I have the solution to help them and if they dont do it then I dont have much to say to them again about it.
Out of the three basic do’s – I tend not to ask questions – to me its like prying or being nosey or forcing them to open up about their situation if they didnt offer it on their own- Thats how I would feel.
I tend to pray on the spot with them as I always thought that would help set the tone right. To invite Holy Spirit into our meeting. Then we normally end with thanksgiving prayer and to remind them God is always listening and love His children. And He is the One providing the comfort and clarity and Hope. I also find myself sending them scriptures and praise songs that I feel will help them focus of God in the midst of their struggle.
I think I need more patience when I’m listening. My mind tends to wonder and jump to connecting the dots and judging almost right at the beginning of the sharing. Help me, Lord. Help my heart beat synchronise with Yours, ABBA!