Lecture

Welcome back. We’re going to move on to our second session. Session #1 was the shocking revelation that the major reason we are to forgive people who hurt us is because, if we don’t, it will hurt us, and God will deliver us to the torturers until we do forgive.

And now we’re going to deal with the Five Requirements for Lasting Forgiveness. Is it really possible to forgive somebody one time, and you never have to forgive them again -- unless they wound you again, of course?

Well, I want to tell you a tragic story about this. Years ago our family -- Darlene and myself and our two older children -- would fly out from where we lived in the southern part of America out to the Rocky Mountains, which are very high mountains, to go skiing in the snow. We did that because some of our good friends, Dennis and Barbara Rainey, from Family Life Ministries, had a conference every year over Thanksgiving, in November, that weekend for all singles. And they said, “Would you like to come be the speakers of this? And we’ll pay for your flights, give you skis you can rent for the day. And, would you please minister over the weekend to the singles?” Well, I enjoy a great deal being with singles. And our family loved to ski back then, and we did this year after year, and became friends with hundreds of singles.

And one year I flew back up there with our family, and Dennis, the leader, was standing there, as soon as I got into the building, with kind of a white face. He was stressed. And that wasn’t like him. I said, “Dennis, what’s the matter?” He said, “Oh, we have a member on our staff of Campus Crusade that has a trauma that we’ve been trying to help for weeks, and I think we are going to lose her. I think you could help her. Would you?” I said, “Dennis, of course I will. Let me unpack and come on back down”.

Well, the girl was a single girl. And she was sitting in the corner next to a fireplace with another chair next to her. And I had seen her in the years before. And I sat down next to her and I said, “I understand there’s some trouble. What’s the matter?” “I was raped.” “You were raped? I’m sorry. Tell me what happened?” She said, “It was in the middle of the day on Saturday at 2:00 o’clock. I went to a big grocery store and parked my car in the next open slot, which was a ways away from the store, and when I got out of the car on Saturday afternoon, another car that was right over there waiting, I guess, pulled up right next to me and four young men got out. They knocked me to the ground in the parking lot, and one person raped me, then another person raped me, then the third person raped me, and then the fourth person raped me in the parking lot. And no one stopped it.”

We talked for a little bit, and I said to her, “You have two choices. You can decide nobody will ever want you for the rest of your life, that you’re broken, and you’ll have sex with any man who ever wants you for anything. Have you thought about that -- no man will ever want me?” I said to her, “Was this your fault?” “I guess it was.” “It was your fault? What did you do wrong?” “Maybe my blouse was too short.” I said, “Well, how short was it?” “It was like this one.” I said, “There’s nothing the matter with your blouse. You had nothing to do with this. This was some major sin, major violence, terrible thing that was done to you and you are innocent.” “I’m innocent?” “You’re innocent.

Every lie you’re hearing in your head that it was your fault is not from God, and is not true. Tell me, ‘I am innocent’. -- she starts crying – say the sentence, ‘I am innocent. I am innocent. This wasn’t my fault. This wasn’t my fault. This is a terrible sin because the people were terrible. They did this to me. They did this to me.’” I said, “That’s right”.

I said, “The second thing is you could decide that you hate all men from now on, that they’re dirty animals, that all they want is sex and to use women, and you’ll become frigid, and you’ll never have sex with anybody, and you’ll hate men the rest of your life. Have you thought of that? I guess your life is ended, isn’t it? No, it’s not ended, unless you end it, because there’s a third step”. “There’s a third step? There’s a third way?” “Yes.” “What is that?”

I said, “Well, you can decide to be a virgin from today”. “What?” “Yes, you can be a virgin from today. Because you didn’t have sex today. You were raped today. This wasn’t your choice. Let me ask you a hard question. Were you a virgin before this?” “Yes. I had decided, when I was a young girl, that I’d keep myself until I met the man I married, and not till we got married that I would go to bed with anybody.” “I thought that was true about you. From today, you can be a virgin.” “What do you mean?” “You could choose to protect yourself, and say no to anybody that asked you to have sex with them, all the way until you meet the man who falls in love with you and you with him. Somewhere along that line you’re going to have to tell him what happened. But when he hears how that happened -- that you were a virgin before that -- and since that day till today you’ve kept yourself for that man, that won’t be an issue to him.” And I said to her, “Will you choose to be a virgin starting today?” Sobbing, sobbing, sobbing, sobbing, “I thought I could never do that.” “You can. Will you?” “Yes.” I said, “Good. Let’s go back to those four men. I want you to do something that only God can help you do. I want you to forgive each one, one at a time. Tell me what the first one looked like.”

And we went through one man at a time, and what they did, and what they said, and how they hit her, and she forgave each one of them. I watched her soul heal miraculously in front of my eyes. I said, “How are you now?” “I don’t know, but I’m fine.” “Yes. Can I have a hug from you? I want you to break away from fear of men -- and I’m a man. Can you just turn sideways? I don’t want a big embrace. I just want a little hug from you. I want you to hug me. Can you do that?” She cried, “I can hug you, and it’s not hard.” I said, “All right, you’re free”.

Oh, the power of forgiveness. No matter what has happened to you, no matter how terrible it is, you can choose to forgive and your heart will heal.

Session Two: Five Requirements for Lasting Forgiveness

Let’s take a look now at the biblical requirements for lasting forgiveness -- for lasting forgiveness. We’re going to go right through that same passage that Christ gave to us in Matthew 18, and we’re going to look at requirements that He gives to us, five of them – that, if you do this, you will only have to forgive a person once.

Requirement one. Look at the verse beneath it; it says, 35“So my heavenly Father also will do to each of you if each of you does not forgive from his heart…” -- that’s it.

Requirement 1: Open your heart to prepare to forgive.

When a person has wounded our hearts, what have we done to our heart regarding that person? We put up walls, and we close our heart so that we don’t have to deal with that person or deal with the wound that’s still infected. Therefore, when you choose to forgive a person, you must open your heart to forgive. This I put next to the words ‘does not forgive’ in the verse, I actually gave you some Greek information that may be a little bit over the top, but I wanted you to understand what Jesus literally says when He says, “…from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.”

Forgive is in the aorist active subjective. What does that mean? Active means, ‘I do it. I choose to forgive’. The aorist means -- look up here -- it means a point in time. It doesn’t mean points of time; and it doesn’t mean over and over and over again all the time. It means ‘once’. And God is saying you have to open your heart right then to forgive. And it’s the subjunctive. Subjunctive means this – it’s potential. You may or may not choose to open your heart and forgive. It’s up to you. And it is up to you.

Point #1.1: Anyone can open their heart any time they choose.

Maybe you are in your office… I remember when this happened to me years ago. I was in my office, and some of my people that worked with me -- we were telling a joke, and we were laughing and having a great time. And the secretary came right into the meeting, burst into the door, sobbing saying, “My daughter was in a terrible car accident, and they don’t know if she is going to live”. What happened to all of our laughter? It immediately changed. What happened to our heart? It opened instantly to her. We gathered around her, we loved on her, we prayed for her, we changed everything during the day. Some of us went to the hospital with her. Why? You can change your heart any time you want. You can open your heart any time you want. Don’t ever say, “I can’t open your heart”. Of course you can open your heart. Whether you choose to open your heart is up to you.

If you do not open your heart, you cannot, you cannot, you cannot forgive. Because that’s where the wound is, is in your heart.

Point #2. Look at the verse beneath it. 27“Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, -- aha, underline that ‘moved with compassion’ -- released him, and forgave him the debt. 28‘Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?’” What’s that theme all about? Compassion.

Requirement 2: Extend compassion to the person you need to forgive.

This is inside of your heart, and compassion can come out of your heart in one of two ways:

Point #2.1: Compassion can be raised by the other Person.

That is, on the first part of that story, the king was moved with compassion. That was a passive verb. It happens to you. For instance, when my friends and I were in the office, and the girl comes in, the woman comes in with this great trauma, she moved us. I didn’t move myself. Just like the king, when the man knelt down and begged for forgiveness, he was moved -- passive, it happened to him. The person here did it to you. That’s the easiest way to forgive. If a person comes in, and starts weeping in front of you, and begs you to forgive – oh my, much easier to forgive. But Jesus says, “No, no, it doesn’t always happen that way”. In fact, most of the time it doesn’t. You have to be the person who chooses to grant compassion.

That’s the second part, 2.2, where it says: Compassion can be raised by your own Choice – by your own choice.

Should you not have had compassion -- active verb -- you make it happen. Now, how do you show compassion? How do you grant it? Your heart is open and you’re going to deal with a person. The person is right here. Because this person hurt me, or hurt you, I don’t have compassion to that person. I have unforgiveness to them, and my heart is closed. Because I’ve chosen to forgive the person, I have to open my heart. Okay, it’s open. But now I have to give them something I don’t want to give them. I have to give them my compassion. I’ve got to give them sympathy. Why? Because you can. How do you do that?

How do you give some person compassion and sympathy when they’ve hurt you? You come over here and you sit in their chair. You don’t know what happened that morning to that person. You don’t know if her husband just told her that he had an affair with her best friend; and she did that to you from the wound that happened that morning at breakfast. You don’t know if he has cancer, or she has cancer, and the doctor has them on medicine which makes their emotions go crazy. You don’t know if he’s just got a letter in the mail that the bank was taking back their house because they can’t make the payments, and they’re going to be living on the street. You don’t know, do you? And so, when we close our heart, we take for granted that nothing bad has happened with them; when many things may have happened terrible to them.

I was in a meeting once around the table, and the leader was talking to all of us, and there was one man who just was sullen, and quiet, and down, and was bringing the meeting down. And he said to the man, “What’s the matter with you?” “Oh, nothing.” “No, there’s something the matter. What’s the matter?” “I found out two hours ago from my doctor I have leukemia and I have two years before I die.” Compassion granted. You can choose to say, “I don’t know what happened to you. I don’t know why you acted that way to me. I don’t know what was behind going on, and I’m going to grant you compassion anyway. You’re another human being, just like me, and I grant you compassion. It’s okay you did this. I accept the fact that you did this to me.”

What happens to your heart when you begin to extend compassion? It softens. Instead of ‘it’s that person’, it’s the person you identify with. Maybe you said something that that person’s father used to say before he beat her. And you just said an innocent sentence. But when you said it, it brought all those emotions back. It’s like somebody hit you on the arm, and you didn’t know there was an infected part of the arm, and the person over reacts at you, and you’re thinking, “What on earth did I say for Pete sakes?” And you don’t know what happened. Can you become a compassionate person to the person who hurt you? Good.

Point #3. It’s a surprising one. Look at the verse. Matthew 18:27 says: “Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion… Wait, wait, wait, look up here. First part: He was moved with compassion. Don’t skip that step. You open your heart, then you consciously think of that person, and you give them compassion. I give it to you. You don’t deserve it. I give it. It’s a gift. After you give compassion, then you --what’s it say? -- release him – you release the person, and forgave him the debt.

Requirement 3: Release the person from your Heart Prison

Therefore Requirement # 3 is: Release the person from your Heart Prison – from your Heart Prison. Where is this person needing to be released from? That person right there isn’t in jail. Oh, yes, they are. Where is the jail? Inside of you. Behind what? Bars. And you threw away the key. You may even say, “I’ll never forgive that person until the day I die”. You took the key and you threw it out the window. You’ll never get free out of this prison. Over my dead body, that’s right.

You know what this passage is teaching us is something that’s very, very important, that hardly anybody recognizes. There’s two halves to this -- not one. I have to release the person out of my Heart Prison first. Open the door – whoa -- let him out. And then I have to forgive them. We think that’s the same. It’s not. So what is Jesus revealing? What is this secret that we’re dealing with right here? He is revealing that you have a person, and then you have the thing that he did, or she did, that wounded you. They’re not… It’s not this. It’s this.

You may be an awfully nice person here. And this could have been very much out of character what you did. But if you make this the same, then you make the person bad. The person isn’t bad. Well, they may be a little bit, but they’re not bad. It’s what they did to you that wounded you. Ah. Then why did you throw them away? Why did you put them in the prison rather than this thing here? It’s something you did. That’s not you. It’s what you did. It’s not you. It’s what you did to me. Oh. Some of you have so many people in prison that you built a second and a third prison inside of your heart, and you have a whole bunch of guards on the outside protecting -- ‘this is my prison’. How many put some people in prison? Yes, come on.

So, Point #3.1, The person must be separated from the “trespass” they committed.

3.2 The person is locked in your Heart Prison until you release them.

Here’s the part that’s very helpful here. You can forgive a person for what they did, and keep them locked in prison. This is a person. This is not the person. This is an action that the person did. When you make it like this, you don’t separate the two, and you make this person become the wound, rather than not. This is normally a wonderful person, or the person loves me, or whatever, but they did this. Isn’t it interesting that Jesus doesn’t say, “Forgive the trespass first, and then release the person”? Jesus makes us deal with the person first. See, you have compassion not on what they did to you; you have compassion on the person. This is a person. And now I have to open up this door, and let this person out.

I took a look at that word ‘release’ – when Jesus said ‘release the person from you’re your inner prison’, I went and I studied that word ‘release’ to know what exactly it means. Do you remember when Barabbas was there, and they were deciding to let Barabbas free or Jesus free, and they said, ‘set free Barabbas’? That’s the same word. Let him out of prison. And when the disciples and the apostles were in prison, and the angel came down and set them free; it’s the same Greek word. This is really true. You have to release the person and let them out. Whoa. You release him.

So what happens to a person who doesn’t release the person, and every time you see the person they’re still inside the person, and you’re afraid of them, and you have heart walls here, and you don’t like them because you’ve kept them in prison? When children release their parents…when adult children let their parents, that hurt them in various ways growing up, out of their Heart Prison, the entire relationship with their parents changes. And the adult parent, like you and me, will oftentimes weep over this because they kept their parents way out here, built a big wall, won’t let them get close. This happens.

There’s no doubt that they wounded you. We’re not arguing that. But I want you to think about that teaching right here. Take out the keychain, look inside that, unlock it. We’re going to help you do that after break. You’re going to let people out. You cannot imagine the weight you carry with all those people inside of you. And the people on the outside who love you anyway, they still love you and they can’t get close to you no matter what they try. And they go away so disappointed, and discouraged, and they say to their spouse, or their friend, or your mother, or your father, “You know, no matter what I do to my child, they don’t let me in”. Do you know why they don’t let them in? They have locked them inside. Do you have some people you need to release? Good. Good.

All right, let’s go down to #4. Look at the passage beneath it. “Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion… That’s the first thing you do. You open your heart, you move with compassion, then you release the person, and then you forgive the debt. And it’s much easier then. Then the master, after he had called him, said to him, “You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.” Notice that it is trespasses -- plural. Most people, who hurt us, hurt us more than once. And I’ve got to forgive you for every single one of them.

Now this is an important point. Why is that? When you come over, and you think that the person that you need to forgive is like this… Now watch this carefully. This session is: How do you have lasting forgiveness? It’s not uncommon for me to hear people say, “I’ve forgiven him 20 times”. You know why they had to do that? They didn’t follow the five requirements. So, if a person says -- let’s say it’s a wife about her husband -- “I’ve forgiven my husband” -- and this is the way they do it, rather than, “I don’t know. I’m letting my husband out of jail. I’m letting him back in. And I forgive him for this specifically. I forgive him for that. I forgive him when he was abusive to me. I forgive when I needed him and he wouldn’t be there for me.” Each one of these wounds are separate things in your heart.

Requirement 4: FORGIVE each trespass, offense, mistake, sin, and wound

And the Bible is very clear that each of you must Forgive that person all of his trespasses. Which means what? You have to do what I got that ship doctor to do years ago -- write down all the wounds. Until you get a hold of the wounds, you can’t forgive the person in mass. ‘I forgive you for all the things you’ve ever did to me.’ Guess what? That won’t work. Look at me. That won’t work. You already know that. You’ve tried that. It didn’t work. Which means, you’re going to have to open up your heart, and stick your head in it, and say, “Oh, boy, let’s dig up these hurtful things, and figure out where they are, and what they are.”

And then, when you forgive all these, then your heart heals. Because here’s what happens when we have all these little wounds, or big wounds, and we say, “I’ll forgive this one right here, and that’s all I can deal with”, guess what, the torture continues. Nothing changed. Wait, wait, nothing changed. You’ve got to forgive all -- one at a time.

Okay, on the next page I just wrote down some summary sentences to help a lot of questions to be answered quickly.

Number 1, 4.1: Forgive everyone who may have hurt you purposefully or Accidentally. A wound in your heart doesn’t know the difference if it’s accidental or purposeful. Accidentally.

Point #4.2: Forgive everyone --underline the next three words-- for every single one of their Trespasses -- every single one.

4.3: Forgive individuals and groups who have caused the Wound. Can a government wound a person? Yeah. That’s a group who hurt you.

I get this question a lot. But the person who wounded me is already dead. But what isn’t dead? The wound. The wound is still inside of you. The wound isn’t in them or them; it’s in you.

4.4: Forgive individuals who are living or dead as the heart-wound Remains in you -- remains in you.

I remember talking to a lady who was older, in her sixties, and she said, “I can’t ever get happy”. I said, “Why not?” “I don’t know.” I said to her, “Do you ever feel tortured?” “Yes.” What’s that? The Verifier she’s got unforgiveness. So, “Who hurt you the most?” “What?” “Who hurt you the most?” “Why?” “Who hurt you the most?” “My grandfather.” “Your grandfather? What did he do?” “He came into my bedroom night after night for years and raped me. But he’s dead. He’s been dead for 20 years almost. How can I forgive somebody whose dead?” “Because the wound of what he did to you for all those years is in you, and that’s why you have not forgiven him, and the torture of your life of no happiness, no joy, no emotions is present.” She forgave her grandfather; and you just watched a woman transform in front of your face. This is not an exaggeration.

Number 4.5: Forgive individuals whether or not they ever Apologize. Most people will never apologize. And don’t ever say, “When they apologize to me, then I’ll forgive you”. Nope.

4.6: Forgive individuals whether or not they change their Behavior. I’ll forgive you when you promise me never to… There’s no conditions on forgiveness. Why not? Because you’re going to be tortured no matter if there’s conditions or not.

4.7: Star this one. Forgive individuals whether or not they make Restitution -- whether or not they make it right with you. If they stole, they don’t have to give it back for you to forgive. When they fired you unfairly, forgive them anyway.

4.8: Forgiveness doesn’t mean…it doesn’t mean…it doesn’t mean, you accept or condone their Actions. That’s an important one. You’re not agreeing with what they did. Is forgiveness ever deserved? No. Wait, wait, wait. No? No. They wounded you, especially if it was purposeful. They didn’t deserve to be forgiven. But if you don’t forgive them, you will have torment. It’s not about them deserving it. It’s, “I don’t want that, therefore I will forgive you”. Come on, are you getting that? It’s all about you. It’s not about them. Okay.

4.9: Forgiving doesn’t mean you don’t maintain healthy Boundaries. If there is somebody who is abusive to you, forgive them, but set up boundaries so they can’t abuse you so much.

4.10 is a surprising one. I’d circle this one. Forgiving doesn’t always mean your relationship is Restored.

I have people that I have forgiven, that I will never have a relationship with again. They’re not in my prison. But they are untrustworthy, and they are abusive, and I will not have a relationship with them. I don’t hate them. I don’t dislike them. I don’t have unforgiveness with them. They’re not inside my Heart Prison. But our relationship has ended.

Jesus does not require us to have the same relationship with all people. He says, “If possible for you, live at peace with all men”. And at times it’s not possible. Don’t misunderstand. You can forgive somebody, and the relationship may never ever be the same. Okay.

Requirement 5: BLESS and do good to the person

And the last requirement is kind of the apex; the height of it all. I jumped out of that one passage in Matthew 18, and went back to Matthew 5, and I want you to see how unforgiveness deals with this passage.

Christ says, “But I say to you, love…the very people who hurt you. What? You got to love your enemies. Oh, come on -- “…bless whose who curse you – yes, bless the people who hurt you -- do good to those who hate you -- those are the people who hurt you -- and pray for those who spitefully use you – oh, man -- and persecute you, -- why? – that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; -- what’s He like for people who are angry and hate him? -- for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.”

How does this all work friends? If I have unforgiveness to you, can I bless you? No way. If I have unforgiveness to you, can I love you? No. If I have unforgiveness to you, can I do good for you? No. And if I have unforgiveness to you, will I pray for you? No. I may say at a prayer meeting, “I would like for us to pray for John here, because John has big problems in his life, and we need to pray for him, and he is a nasty man, and we need to pray hard for him. He’s hurt me so many times, let’s pray for him a lot.”

Do you realize that none of these things are possible if you have unforgiveness? Whoa. That’s why there is so little of this in the marketplace. Wait. So little of this…so little loving our enemies -- doing good to those who hate you. Why? The walls go up, unforgiveness moves in, “I don’t like you, I don’t want to be near you, I hope you suffer because of what you did to me.” Me doing good for you. Are you kidding? That’s how it works.

So I have beneath here these five statements Christ said:

[5.1] Love -- which is in the Greek text present, active imperative. An imperative means a command. And it’s present, which means this, at all times actively be in the process of loving somebody who is intent on being your enemy. Which means, how often do I have to forgive you? The whole time.

[5.2] Bless: That’s ‘present’ -- means all the time, ‘active’ means I do it, ‘imperative’ -- which means I’m commanded to do this. ‘Those who curse you’ -- that’s present participle, which means they’re in the process right now of cursing you. Oh, man, I have to bless you all the time while you are in the process of cursing me. Yes. Which means, what’s happening to my heart? I’m keeping my Heart Prison locked so you can’t get into it and I continue to forgive you and, while I forgive you, I’m free to love you.

[5.3] Do good – ‘present’ means now, ‘active’ means I’m doing this, ‘imperative’ I’m going to obey Christ – to those who hate you right now.

[5.4] Pray for those who spitefully use you.

[5.5] Pray for those who persecute you.

What are you reading? What are you hearing about all of this? What’s this saying to you? That forgiveness is the big key. You can never obey these things if you have unforgiveness.

Let’s read Ephesians 4:32 at the end. Here we go: And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

Well, years went by -- years went by. And Darlene and I went out to Colorado to teach at a university for a week, to about 500 university students and graduate students -- people up into their thirties, in fact. We had a terrific week together. Nothing like a bunch of university and graduate students. And at the end of the week, on Friday afternoon, there was a whole bunch of celebration in the room. And the people had brought balloons, and had a cake they rolled in, and I’m wondering, “What’s going on?” And they said, “We have a wonderful announcement. Two of our best friends in the room have an announcement of an engagement.”

So this beautiful couple comes up, and they introduce themselves to every…most people knew them already. And they sang to them. There was a lot of affection in the room for this couple. And I’m celebrating with them; and packing up my stuff to head home. And the couple comes right up here, and she was on this side, and he was on this side, and they were standing right here -- just terribly in love. It’s wonderful. She was gorgeous, radiant. And she said, “I’m getting married”. I said, “I think it is so wonderful”. And then she looked at me, and she says, “You don’t remember me”. “Sorry. I meet so many people. I really don’t.” “I’m a virgin.” “Wonderful.” “No, I’m the virgin who was raped by four men. And I’ve been a virgin from that day till now. And this is the man of my dreams.”

You see, when you forgive the most horrible things, God blesses you abundantly. No matter what’s happened in the past, there can be a wonderful ending. Will you open your heart? Will you extend compassion? Will you release the person? Will you forgive them their debt? And, will you love them anyway?