Lecture

The next four sessions are going to do a lot of application of what we have taught you earlier on. So in your workbooks there – Relating Better to Others. Now that we’ve started understanding ourselves a bit better – we all have strengths and weaknesses – how does that apply to relationships? Well, we’re starting with the Bible study again. As you know, at TEN, we believe that 2 Timothy 3:16-17 teaches that God gave us the Bible to equip us for every good work. This seminar is really practical steps on how to love your neighbor.

Part 1. Developing Your Versatility

1. So let’s look at the first point there. God has called you to consider the needs and interests of OTHERS, not just your own. Think about it -- God wants you not just to speak and celebrate yourself, but of others. I love this verse, Philippians 2:3-4: “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.”

So you want to think about a D, an I, an S, or a C as better than you. Don’t think, “Oh, I wish everybody was like me” – a C, or a S, or a D, or an I. Think of others and esteem them. And here’s the other verse – Let each of you look out not only for his own interest, -- Paul is a realist. We all have self-interest. What wonderful people. And Paul, later on, talks about Timothy – that, as a person like that, he also looks after the interest of others. And if we, as Christians, can have this disposition -- don’t just look out for yourself; look out for others. And we’re going to give you great tools today to look out for the interest of other people.

2. Do realize that this is not NATURAL. Our natural inclination – often under pressure, or just because we are fallen people – we often, with our sinful nature, look out for ourselves. I’m guilty of it. You’re guilty of it. Your children are guilty of it. Your spouse at times. Like Paul says, “There’s not a lot of Timothy’s out there”. But we can develop this. God can work in us. The Spirit of God, the Fruit of the Spirit, can elevate us to a higher level, that we don’t live out of the flesh.

3. That’s why #3 is so important. It is SUPERNATURAL. With Jesus as your example, ask God to help you genuinely put the interests of others before yourself. Philippians says it this way. Because, if you’re like Jesus, you’re going to put the interest of others ahead of yourself. Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: -- so don’t have your own mind here. Have a new mind – Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even to the death of the cross. Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name: That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and under the earth; And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of the God the Father.” He was God, but He came in the form of a man. Humbled Himself. And we’re going to ask you today to be like Jesus, to humble yourself, and act lowly, and serve. And don’t just -- because you have a position of authority or you believe you’re entitled -- act out of your own will, but follow Christ in this example.

Part 2: Five Steps for Developing Your Versatility

So we’re going to teach you today five versatility steps. You can intuitively learn to do this as you study this booklet and think through it. We’re going to give you five steps.

Being willing and able to adapt your personal style to meet the needs of others. And here’s a promise for you from Scripture. For it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. God wants to work through you to live the Christ life, the servant life. And to be who you are – that’s important. The whole goal of Christianity is not a D to become an S, or an I to become a C. No. Accept and thank God for your strength. But then, ask God to help you in your area of weakness – and to love others, and to consider their needs; not just your own -- and to start adapting your mindset and your actions and your attitude to serve others. You don’t have the ability to do the DISC test on everyone. So, how are you going to use this knowledge?

Step 1. Identify their behavioural style by OBSERVATION

And, as I said before, we can actually -- through OBSERVING people, we can kind of get an idea: Is this person a task person? Is he a people person? Does he respond or initiate? Who responds to tasks? C. Who initiates to task? D. Who responds to people? S. Who initiates with people? I. So you’re going to start learning that. But they talk, walk, eat, and socialize differently. So we’re going to help you with our great active team. You’re going to see and observe, and you will learn from this which personality style -- through observation -- how you can identify them. So let’s give our actor team a great hand as they come up to do a wonderful skit for us.

Understanding Other Unique Personality Styles Through Observation

Peter: [on phone] Blah, blah, blah, blah.

[Conversation as actors enter stage.]

Peter: Greetings.

Caryn: Greetings.

Patrick: Greetings.

Caryn: Greetings, greetings, greetings, greetings.

Peter: Greetings. Greetings, greetings, greetings, greetings.

Patrick: Greetings.

Zanele: Greetings.

Peter: Waiter.

[All actors talking as they eat, various discussions]

Peter: Impatient. Impatient! Eating, eating.

Patrick: Observing.

Caryn: What?

Peter: Eating, eating.

Caryn: Attack. Attack, attack.

Peter: Attack, attack.

Caryn: Attack, attack, attack, attack, attack.

Peter: Bigger attack.

Caryn: Not showing tension.

Patrick: Still observing.

Caryn: Agitated, agitated. Hurt.

Peter: Angry. Leave without greeting.

Patrick: Eating.

So, without a test, you understood what they were, correct? So let’s think. Tell me a little bit about – and he’s really in our skit the school principal. Tell me about some things you observed about a High D. How do they eat? Give me some words. They eat fast. Really, to them, mealtime is a pit-stop. They like just coming in to eat and then going again. But for the High S, what is mealtime like? It’s a social time. They eat slow. And they listen a lot, right? They eat slow. But they don’t talk a lot. So at least they get through the meal. Tell me, how does the High I eat? They eat fast, but there’s a lot of the meal is still on the plate, because they can’t talk and eat at the same time, right? Or some do -- I guess that will be interesting to look at. So they do that. How does the C -- how does he eat? Slow and neat. Did you see that? What are their actions? How do they talk? How does a High D talk? It’s loud. How does a High I talk? It’s also loud, right? The High S? Talking soft, right? Soft. Listening. Listening more. How does the High C talk? It’s kind of soft and correct, or diplomatic, right? This person’s focus – was it on all the people? No, it was just on whatever was his interest – on the task. And it was abrupt. What was this person’s focus? Where was the focus here for the I? It was really on self a little bit, right? Was she trying to find out how Zanele was doing? No. It’s this way, right? The High S – where is their focus? On the people, and they want to keep the peace, and they don’t want to add to the trouble here, right? And the C was an observer. Did you see that?

Well, who picked the fight with whom here? The D and the I. They can fight a little bit. The C can also get frustrated with the D, but it won’t be as emotional. How would you describe the emotion of the High D? Angry, outward. Was he patient or impatient? Impatient. You can write that down on your – impatient. What was the person here? They actually had no sense of time. Did you see that? They were just everywhere. In terms of time here – the person here was also relaxed. Not a big sense of urgency. That frustrated the High D, that wanted to get them going. What is the pace of the C? It’s time conscious. But it’s also not too rushed. A C doesn’t want to be rushed, because they want to eat neat, and so forth. Do you see that through observation you can actually see if you have a D, I, S, or a C? How they greet – how did this person greet? Either they didn’t greet, because they’re not focusing on the relationship, or, when they greeted, it was kind of firm, more aggressive. How did the I greet? High emotion, fun. How does the S greet? Warm. It would have been warm, looking you in the eye. Not rushed, not trying to greet everybody at the same time, right? More one on one -- where the I is with the group. How did the C greet? Diplomatic, conscientious, calculated. So, through observation, we can understand how people fit.

Step 2] Now step 2 there in your notebook is, once you understand who you’re working with, you want to understand the basic relational Need. So you fill in the word: Focus on their relational NEED for step 2. Now, again, what is the relational need of the High D? He wants to talk directly. The I, enthusiastically. The S, friendly. And the C, thorough. That’s how to communicate with them.

Now, how to convince a High D -- when you want to convince a High D, start with the bottom line. They want to know the answer to the what? Write in your workbook there WHAT under how to convince a D. They want to know the bottom line. What are we to do? The I is different. If you want to communicate or convince a High I, answer the WHO question. The D, he really wants to – when they get to the table, he wants to get to the task: What is it about? The I is interested in who’s there. If you want to attract the High I to an event, just tell them about a celebrity that will be there. They love that. If there’s a lot of people, that’s great. The High S wants to know WHY? If you want to convince a High S, they want to know the reason. You got to tell them why. And how to convince the High C – answer the HOW question. They want to know how to do it. So D – what, I – who, S – why, and C – how.

How to motivate a D – their needs is goals and quantity, so give them big goals. That’s how you motivate a High D. They don’t like passivity. They don’t like the mundane. They don’t like repetition. They like to change things that challenge.

The High I – you motivate them through people. They want to engage with people. They want to be drawn to people. And you motivate them through recognition. How to motivate a High S – well they people-people, so it’s going to be through a relationship. And then a High C – you motivate them through – also they’re task people – goals, but the goals need to relate to quality.

Now, how to disagree with a High D. Some people say, “Here’s how you disagree with a High D. You don’t.” You know, you just do it their way, and you do it now, and there’s no conflict. But we can’t indulge High D’s like that all the time, can we now? Because sometimes they are so urgent, that they have a goal, and they have such a harsh or quick way to get there that people are going to get hurt, right? Projects are going to be sloppy. So, here’s how you disagree with them. You agree with their goal, and then you test their strategy. A D is never committed to how, to strategy, to how we get there. As long as we get there, he’s happy. If you show a High D a better way to accomplish the result, he will abandon, almost immediately, his plan. Will a High C abandon a plan quickly? No, because he thought it out, researched it, is kind of committed to it now. A High D is only committed to a goal; not to a strategy. So, often you can take out their anger, frustration, and impatience by just agreeing with the goal and testing the strategy.

Okay, so let’s say the High I wife – the D comes in and says, “Our budget isn’t working. We are not going to eat out anymore this month. Because every time we go out and eat, we overspend. We’re not going to eat out this month.” Now, how can you respond to that? What would be a way to respond to that High D? What is his goal? Save the budget. What is his strategy? We’re not going to eat out. So, now you really want to eat out. How are you going to do this? So you will say to the High D… Don’t say to him, “No, I don’t agree. It’s not our fault. It’s every time we go the restaurant it’s you that over-order. It’s not me that do it. Why should we be punished?” That’s going to go nowhere, right? So you say to the High D, “Okay, I’ll tell you what. I fully agree with you. We got to get our spending under control. This is not working. I fully agree with your goal that we can’t overspend. So, I’ll tell you what, there’s a way we can avoid it. There’s some other things that we can do less of. I think we can put the lights off more in the house. But, secondly, when we go out once a week on Saturday, why don’t we only take cash in a little envelope, and we leave our credit cards at home? So, when we get there, we can’t overspend. We have to live in our budget.” The D will say, “Oh, okay, that’s a good idea”. True or false? You’ve given him another way to get at the same result. So, be clever with a D. Don’t argue with his goal. Test his strategy, and come up with a better plan. If you don’t have a better plan, just submit. Then go and find a better plan. And then, when the person is frustration is over, relate to them. Is that going to be helpful?

If your pastor is a High D, and he has a crazy plan to bring people into the church, just agree with him, “Pastor, I’m so glad you want to bring people in. We have to.” Then you come up with a better plan than his crazy one, right? And you say to him, “Listen, I’ve thought about it – and you go and pray about it – and I think there’s a way to even get more people here”. And then you give him a good plan. Are you with me? That’s how you do it.

Now with a High I – here’s how you disagree with a High I. You agree with their vision, you smile on it, and you just give it time. They won’t stick to it. If you’re working with someone that has random ideas all the time -- and if the S’s, and the C’s, and the D’s just say, “No, there’s not enough money, won’t work, not enough time”, how does the I feel? Dejected, rejected, criticized. What you kind of do is you kind of smile and you say, “That sounds very interesting”. Don’t commit. You know, “This is very interesting. I wonder what that would cost?” You don’t say, “Well, we can’t afford it” or “That’s not practical”, or “We’ve done that before”. Just dream with them. Or if you can, just say, “You know, that sounds fantastic”. Don’t worry about it. Tomorrow they’ll have a new plan. And they forgot what they were excited all about yesterday. So, don’t always use criticism to throw water on that fire. Just give it time. They burn out by themselves. Is that helpful? Now, my daughter, she worked, she bought her own ticket to Zambia. And she’s paying her own way to stay two weeks at a nature conservation place. She worked four or five months for this. But if I said to her in the beginning – it’s very expensive to fly from here – “No, you can’t do that. Are you crazy? How are you going to afford it?” No, I celebrated her plan, but I didn’t make it my problem, right? It’s not always your problem. Sometimes it’s theirs. Now, she had other plans, and she can’t afford that, and some of it died. But sometimes they stick to a plan, and give them breathing room.

Now with the S -- when you disagree with a High S, you want to do that in a relational way – one on one. Don’t make a public fuss over it. So when you disagree with people, get the S’s out of the room. Let them go and drink tea. Because you traumatize them; not only if you disagree with them, but if you disagree with other people. Because then they feel they have to go and protect the one person. And when you disagree with them, just do it relationally. They don’t want to lose the relationship. And you need to tell them, “Even if we going to disagree…” And give them permission and say to them, “Listen, even if we disagree on this, it’s not going to be the end of our relationship”. So give them some comfort. Because High D’s – when they fight – and the I’s – do they walk away and it bothers them? No. The High C’s and the S’s – when there was a fight, they go back and replay it, and want to work it out, and, “What should I have done? Should I have done this?” So realize that different people experience conflict and emotions in a different way – true or false? True. So be okay with that.

Now with the High C – if you want to be effective in relating to a High C, you cannot use emotion or threat. You need to use facts and logic. That appeals to them. Numbers, budget, plan, process. So don’t disagree with them by just saying no. Give factual reasons. And don’t say, “I have heard somewhere”, you know. By the way, never say to a High D, “No, that’s never been done before”. That just motivates them more to do it, right? I want to be first. They’re very competitive. But the High C’s want to be right. And they are willing to listen to logic. You can convince them with facts and logic. And then, also, you got to give them enough time. If you rush them, then even if it’s logical and it’s factual, they, in their mind, need enough time to add quality to the work. Are you with me? So just be patient with them. It’s not that they are unwilling to do things. They just want to do it right. So you got to give some time, as well.

So, #1, OBSERVE the style.

Number 2: Understand their relational NEED. They all respond to communication in a different way.

Number 3: Develop a POSITIVE attitude about their style. Develop a positive attitude. Now this is hugely important. If you want to get… if you want to relate well to other people, you need to think the best thoughts about them. If you think of a D, I, S, or a C in terms of their weakness, you won’t get along with them. Think of a person that you really don’t like -- all right, think about that person. That person is a D, I, S, or a C. How are you seeing that person at the moment – in terms of their strengths or weaknesses? Weaknesses. And it will be very difficult for you to have a good attitude in your behavior and actions if you don’t have a positive attitude about their strengths. Remember, behind that negative weakness that you don’t like, there’s something positive, and really where you want to get the whole category, okay? Because here’s the deal -- now let’s say you thought I was a D, right? Let’s say you had a very unfortunate past experience with another High D. So, when I get into the room, and you say ‘High D’, what are you connecting with High D? Negative, based on past experience. Now you even have a bad attitude towards me now. That’s not fair. Stop doing that. Please. I’m not that person. See me for my strengths, not just my weaknesses. Now you’re going to be cleaver. You’re going to watch out for the weakness. But don’t define people in terms of their weakness. Have at least a realistic appraisal. But most of us need to swing back to a positive sense.

This is also a biblical imperative. This is not just an optional, good-thinking, seminar idea. God commands us to do this. I want to read to you a passage in Philippians 4. In Philippians 4:1 there’s two ladies – Euodias and Syntyche. Someone has said [enunciates differently the Euodias and the Syntyche]. I don’t know how you pronounce it. But they weren’t getting along, according to Paul. Do Christians always get along? Sometimes when you don’t get along with another person, sometimes you think, “Is he even a Christian?” See, you focus so on the weaknesses of that personality, that you think, “And he calls himself a…” Stop that nonsense. They are Christians. They are Christians. They are just Christians that have strengths and weaknesses. And there’s two issues. You are not Spirit filled; you’re focusing on the weaknesses. And that person is perhaps also just not doing that with you. But never – if someone has a weakness or they’re not good, don’t question the fact that they Christian or not. They’re just not behaving right, right? And Paul says to these two ladies, “I urge you…” He knows there’s sister and brothers in the Lord, or it can be brothers. And then he says to them later on – he says, “Get together”, and he talks about prayer.

Then he says: And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about those things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Paul was not saying, “I want you to go and look at the Niagara Falls, or Victoria Falls, or see a beautiful sunset”. He was thinking, “Finally”. If you want to get along with people, think about people in the best possible way. Think about what’s true, and think about all things. And it says here: “Now, dear brothers and sisters, if you do this, then the God of Peace will be with you”. A lot of you have a lot of internal strife because you’ve become masters about other people’s weaknesses. What do we do about other people’s weaknesses? We talk to people about it. The Bible calls that gossip. If you talk about people’s strengths, what is that? That’s honoring people. What are we commanded in the Bible -- gossip about people, gossip about weaknesses? No. Honor people. Focus on their strengths. Great. So one thing is understand who you’re working with, understand their relational needs, #3, develop a POSITIVE attitude.

Number 4: Identify ways that your style may cause TENSION for them. If you’re a High C, and you’re in a relationship with a High D, okay, what is going to cause tension in that relationship? The C wants to be right, and the D wants to do it now. So, as a C, I need to up my pace when I explain myself. I need to get to the bottom line first, and then give details. Don’t give a D details that leads to a bottom line. Give him the bottom line first, and then give the details. Now if you’re a D and you’re relating to a C, what should you do to avoid tension? Give details. Don’t rush. Be logical. If you’re a High I and you’re relating to a C, what should you do? Don’t talk so fast. Give the C time to observe and to give feedback. If the C comes, and he questions your processes, what will the High I do? They become defensive, right? Okay, my natural tendency is going to defend it. But just listen; they may have a good argument. If you’re a High C and you want to relate to a High I, how are you going to relate to that person? That person wants you to be a little bit more relaxed, fun. If you’re at work with a High C, the High I can’t just have monotonous work all the time. They need access to people. We need to do fun things. We can’t just be task and production orientated. If the High I needs to go to a big party, you don’t say, “Are you loyal to the company?” You give them that space. You give them flexibility, “Okay, do that. You can work this time in at a later time.” If you’re a D and you’re working with S’s, and that S person is a mother, do you let them work overtime all the time? Because, what does the mother want to do? Be with the kids, look after them. So you become sensitive to what their values are, what they need. If you’re a High S and you relate to a High D, if the High D – you need to show a sense of urgency. You need to show the person you’re on team. But if the High D has a crazy idea, not a good one, how should you relate to the High D – just let the High D get his way? No. Pick up some courage and confront the D, right? They okay with that. They would rather be confronted, and let the right thing happen, than you just say nothing, but you’re unsupportive and uncooperative. Are you with me? So see how you can create tension and how you need to relate differently. This works for families, in the workplace, everywhere.

Number 5: VERSATILITY steps. The High D – you can relax more. The High I – you can slow down. That’s just all people. The High S can declare more. You got to declare more. And the High C generally can be more positive. You can be so right about all the issues, and the problems, and the risk factors, that you really frustrate everyone, right? Just be a little bit more positive.

So five steps. Let’s review them again:

Number 1. If you want to be successful with people, observe them, understand who they are.

Number 2. Focus on their relational needs.

Number 3. Develop a positive attitude.

Number 4. Identify that your style may cause tension. Your style -- not just what they do; what you do. And sometimes we think it’s just what the D’s and the I’s do that cause tension. It’s sometimes what you do not do on the S-C side that causes tension.

And #5. Take versatility steps. A versatility step is this: It’s basically that you are willing to give people what they need versus what you like and what you like to give. All relationships have what is called emotional bank accounts. And just like a normal back account, you can be in the positive, in the green, or you can be in the red. How do we get into the red in our emotional bank accounts with other people? We take out more than we deposit. If the D is always a D, he’s going to take a lot of stuff, right? If the I is always an I, he’s going to take. Now, sometimes their natural style will give. Are you with me? Another I will like that. So, here’s the deal. Here’s how you deposit. Let’s say you’re a bank. Put your hand out there. Now I’m going to deposit. Every time I touch him I’m depositing something into this bank account. What is your natural style? I-D. Oh, thank God. May your tribe increase. The I-D’s – excited and get things done. It’s great. Now I’m going to deposit in my relationship with you. So here I am. I’m a S-C. He’s an I-D. And your name again? [Joseph] “Morning, Joseph, how are you?” “Okay, good. Well today’s tasks are very important. We need to do five things. And I want you to do it in order. The first step is kind of easy. There’s a notebook. And I’ve put all the five steps there. And please do it. And I would like a written report by the end of the next day on how to fix this problem. And then, after you fix the problem, I want you to get other people to test if it worked well.” So, every time I’m talking I’m depositing. But am I depositing in his bank? [No] I’m missing him, right? Let me show you how you deposit in this guy’s bank? “Hi, good to see you, Joseph. Are you well? Listen, we have a problem. We have something to fix today. You’re the man. You’re the man to do it. And, listen, I don’t know if you know how to fix this problem. I have some ideas. You can ask Sam there in the corner. He’s dealt with a similar issue before. But, if you can figure it out yourself, that’s also fine. But, listen, we only have two days. Our boss is coming – that other important guy is coming tomorrow. And we want to really impress him, because he may give us a raise if we fix this, right? So, please let Sam just check at the end and make sure it’s all done. Is that okay? See you tomorrow.” Now, have I deposited into this bank account? [Yes] Right. But if I did that with the High C, would I have deposited? No. It’s just kind of flakey and no detail. The High C wanted precise. So, do you see that you cannot deposit into other people’s bank accounts based on who you are? You need to put money, social equity, based on who they are.

I want you to give a high-five to the person next to you, and make sure you connect. Let’s connect. And TEN students are going to be the best connectors with other people, because we’re going to give people what they need; not who we are. Let’s do that. Fantastic. Let’s give one another a big hand. Let’s do that.