• Discussion Forum

  Dr. Crabb talks about our tendency to keep relationships shallow using the image of “not turning our chairs toward one another.” Why is it so difficult for us to “turn our chairs”? In other words, why are we reluctant to let anyone really know us? As you think about your answer, consider these possible reasons: Don’t have time. Don’t want to get involved. Don’t care. Feel inadequate and awkward. Don’t know how to form deeper relationships. Not culturally acceptable. Explain several possible reasons (using your own or from the list above) and then give an example from your experience that demonstrates which reason most often keeps you from turning your chair towards others.

  Tricia Hershberger replied 1 week ago 209 Members · 216 Replies

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  Geraldine Lau

  Member

  09/06/2021 at 06:45

  We desire to have deep relationships, but at the same time fearful of going into deeper relationships. Deep relationships requires one to be vulnerable and often times one is fearful of being rejected, and the reluctance to ‘bear the other person’s burden.” We may be nosy to want to know more of the person, but “scared” when the person’s problems become overwhelming and overbearing. We aren’t ready for the person to hold to us like a ‘float.’ There’s also a misnomer that we need to “fix the person’s problems.”

  Personally I have turned my chair instinctively away from others when I find myself being ‘held on like a life buoy,’ and hence have been very careful to whom I develop deep relationship with. I am known to share candidly my thoughts, and my values. Recently, I found that my immediate new supervisor took the opportunity to remove me from my job. It’s not that I care about my job, but the ‘trust’ is lost, and I turn my chair away from him. The ground rules were set that whatever is shared will not be reflected or recorded, as it is meant to be a pastoral care. Well, this doesn’t take away my confidence of developing deep relationship – there is always that risk of being vulnerable, but one’s vulnerability connects us to others too. Without love and trust, it’s not possible to cultivate a deeper relationship. But one has to make the first move to gain trust and show love, to invite others to a deeper realtionship.

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  Elizabeth Rodriguez

  Member

  08/16/2021 at 12:30

  1. Fear that it may lead to rejection or to us getting hurt
  2. Feelings of bitterness or resentment towards the person we are next to
  3. Not knowing how to form deeper relationships

  In my own life, not knowing how to form deeper relationships due to former conditioning has contributed to my reluctancy to form deeper relationships. Growing up in a household that lacked communication, allowed little room to express myself, and utilized punishment over discipline, I became accustomed to hiding my true thoughts and feelings and not asking questions.

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  Angela Sciberras

  Member

  07/20/2021 at 16:43

  Several possible reasons why it is so difficult for us to “turn our chairs toward others” are fear, distrust, feeling inadequate, feeling put on the spot to have the answer, lack of time. I think we are getting away from making a point of setting aside time to invest in deeper relationships.

  Fear of being misunderstood/judged I personally think is a big one. I have experienced this myself. People who have not experienced the things I have don’t understand and tend to form judgements based on what they think they would have done, what I should have done, or the choices made that got me in that situation in the first place.

  Another thing I have experienced is a friend or acquaintance approaches me with a problem. They have an excuse for every suggestion and seem to expect that I will somehow solve the problem for them. It is emotionally exhausting to get pulled into that kind of situation and it has made me shy away from getting into deep conversations for fear I will be expected to have (and implement) solutions that I do not have or am not able to do. I am not able to solve the problems of another only provide guidance, but often it seems people seek more than guidance once they have shared the problem.

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  Joshua Lassiter

  Member

  07/15/2021 at 03:29

  The reason I believe we are reluctant to let anyone really know us is fear and lack of trust and the opportunity for us to be discovered by someone. In our society today, we live very private lives but on the outset of our lives we desire to be known just without the mess that we may have caused or what has happened to us in the past. We become ashamed of who we are. Another reason is that we may feel insecure of who we are by the basis of what we’ve done and again what’s been done to us. We fear that vulnerability is something we must shy away from when in reality it brings us closer to who we are and what we are about. It takes time to get to know someone and we are so preoccupied with what is going on around us that we fail to see what’s truly inside of us: Treasure. Despite the trials and the circumstances that we have been through, we are not defined by those things. We also tend to compare and contrast one another in light of what we may or may not have and envy sets in, blocking us from admiring the person. We must accept the fact that we are messy broken people but God wants to restore and redeem that. We don’t have to hide who we are but embrace who we are so people can see the core of who we are. From my experience, a sense of inadequacy comes up for me. Sometimes I feel as though I’m not worthy to be known or loved. I ask myself, “why would anyone want to get to know me?”

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  Joelene Smith

  Member

  07/14/2021 at 15:52

  I find it hard to let someone know me because I have been judged so harshly in my past. I think that today we are taught not to trust one another. To stay away from each other, “the 6 feet social distancing”. I believe this is why people do not turn their chairs to each other and come together because of fear alone and nothing more than that, whether it be because they are scared to be judged or just plain anxious about it.

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