• Discussion Forum

  Dr. Crabb talks about our tendency to keep relationships shallow using the image of “not turning our chairs toward one another.” Why is it so difficult for us to “turn our chairs”? In other words, why are we reluctant to let anyone really know us? As you think about your answer, consider these possible reasons: Don’t have time. Don’t want to get involved. Don’t care. Feel inadequate and awkward. Don’t know how to form deeper relationships. Not culturally acceptable. Explain several possible reasons (using your own or from the list above) and then give an example from your experience that demonstrates which reason most often keeps you from turning your chair towards others.

  Tricia Hershberger replied 1 day, 18 hours ago 209 Members · 216 Replies

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  Barry Anderson

  Member

  05/05/2025 at 12:43

  For the most part, I have always been a private person. Most of my conversation is within my own head and heart. As a Christian, my “private” conversation includes Christ – as if the two of us are talking. He is always there (which is good and not so good.) I think my natural reluctance to turn my chair toward another is that I don’t really want them to know me (pride) or my failures and weaknesses (sins). As someone in ministry, I prefer to maintain the facade that I need little or no help – I am supposed to have the answers, not ask the questions. When I do share my personal story, I almost always do so in an environment I can control.

  My concern for others has become more genuine as I have gotten older. Experience has been a good teacher and provided sincere empathy. I have learned ways to help others in the other chair open up, yet I am still reluctant to open myself to anyone who has not absolutely proven to be safe.

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  Carol McLaughlin

  Member

  04/22/2025 at 12:17

  There are many reasons why someone might choose not to go deep in a relationship. Fear of rejection/judgement, feelings of inadequacy, trust issues, or a desire to keep from becoming a burden on others are a few examples.

  In my own experience, I have struggled to allow anyone to really know me because I am afraid of rejection. This fear really stems from a lack of trust, since I’ve experienced some pretty deep rejections in the past, so I’ve learned that it’s better for me not to let people really know me because if they know the real me they obviously won’t stick around.

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  Matthew Leveillee

  Member

  04/07/2025 at 15:10

  “Don’t have time” — We live in a society in which it’s trendy to be busy, and we think we don’t have time to connect with other people.
  “Don’t want to get involved” — We feel like as long as my family/tribe and I are “good,” then that is enough.
  “Feel inadequate and awkward” — I don’t want to say the “wrong” thing to someone. Sometimes I haven’t experienced what they are struggling with.
  “Don’t know how to form deeper relationships” — This relates to not having time. I’ve heard it said that each person only has enough time and mental and emotional capacity to have a couple close friends and everyone else is an acquaintance at best.
  “Not culturally acceptable” — Again, I don’t want to say the “wrong” thing to someone, and/or try to help someone (i.e. a woman) from another culture and risk offending her husband.

  Feeling inadequate and awkward is the reason that most often keeps me from turning my chair toward others.

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  Michele Abraham

  Member

  03/24/2025 at 06:53

  The difficulty for Christians to connect on a soul level and allow themselves to be known intimately often stems from a complex interplay of spiritual hierarchy, self-centeredness, and feelings of unworthiness. Within many Christian communities, there’s an implicit spiritual hierarchy that can create barriers to authentic connection. This structure may lead individuals to feel they must maintain a certain image or level of spiritual maturity, hindering vulnerability and genuine intimacy. Self-centeredness, while seemingly contradictory to Christian teachings, can manifest as a fear of judgment or a desire to present an idealized version of oneself, further impeding deep connections. Additionally, feelings of unworthiness, often rooted in the concept of sin and human fallibility, may prevent Christians from offering valuable guidance or advice, believing they are not “qualified” to do so. These factors collectively impact the formation of deeper, more meaningful relationships within faith communities, as individuals struggle to reconcile their perceived spiritual inadequacies with the desire for authentic connection. Overcoming these barriers requires a conscious effort to embrace vulnerability, practice humility, and recognize the shared human experience that unites all believers.

  In my experience, I’ve come to realize that the challenge in “turning our chairs” towards others often stems from the discomfort others feel when faced with vulnerability and deep, meaningful conversations. As someone who has been in the church for many years and is viewed as a “mature” believer, I’ve felt called to foster more authentic connections and share my struggles openly.

  For instance, there was a period when I was grappling with doubts about certain aspects of my faith. During this time, I made a conscious effort to be more transparent during small group meetings at church. I courageously shared my true thoughts and feelings, hoping to create a space for genuine dialogue and mutual support. However, I often found myself facing uncomfortable silences or witnessing others quickly changing the subject to more superficial topics.

  This reluctance from others to engage with deeper, more challenging conversations not only left me feeling isolated in my struggles but also highlighted a broader issue within our Christian community. It seemed that many were unprepared or unwilling to navigate the complexities of faith and personal challenges together.

  Recognizing this pattern has been a crucial step in my spiritual journey. I’ve learned that true spiritual maturity often involves the courage to be vulnerable and honest about our struggles, even when it makes others uncomfortable. It’s an ongoing process of learning to “turn my chair” despite the potential for awkwardness or rejection, trusting that authentic connections can lead to growth and healing for both myself and others.

  We are called to be intimate with God and, in turn, intimate with each other. This intimacy requires a willingness to share our true selves, including our doubts, fears, and struggles. However, cultivating this level of openness within our faith communities remains a significant challenge.

  In conclusion, the difficulty in “turning our chairs” often stems from a complex interplay of personal discomfort, cultural expectations, and misunderstandings about spiritual maturity. Overcoming these barriers requires not only individual courage to be vulnerable but also a collective effort to create a community that values authenticity over superficiality. By persistently fostering environments where vulnerability is welcomed and struggles are met with compassion, rather than avoidance, we can create deeper, more meaningful relationships that reflect the true spirit of Christian fellowship. This journey towards authentic community may be challenging, but it’s essential for our spiritual growth and for living out the call to love and support one another genuinely.

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  Tina Chou

  Member

  03/11/2025 at 12:19

  For me, “don’t have time” “don’t want to get involved” “don’t know how to help” are my personal experience. Despite I have a passion to help others go through their difficulty, I also afraid that I cannot help them effectively and me myself cannot afford that burden as well. I think a health boundary such as avoid dual relationship like counseling setting will be helpful for me and avoid burnout.

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