• Discussion Forum

  Dr. Crabb talks about our tendency to keep relationships shallow using the image of “not turning our chairs toward one another.” Why is it so difficult for us to “turn our chairs”? In other words, why are we reluctant to let anyone really know us? As you think about your answer, consider these possible reasons: Don’t have time. Don’t want to get involved. Don’t care. Feel inadequate and awkward. Don’t know how to form deeper relationships. Not culturally acceptable. Explain several possible reasons (using your own or from the list above) and then give an example from your experience that demonstrates which reason most often keeps you from turning your chair towards others.

  Kelly Morrison replied 6 days, 14 hours ago 208 Members · 215 Replies

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  Doreen Lee

  Member

  07/06/2021 at 06:40

  Feeling inadequate was the reason why I couldn’t go deeper with this church sister who had no issues sharing her personal struggles in our prayer group. She demanded one on one session with me in the hope that I could help her out of her unhappy marriage. I panicked and avoided her. I absolutely regretted losing this friendship. Looking back I realised I didn’t want her to think any less of me for my lack of wisdom. I actually feared judgement and rejection myself! Regrettably I think I made her feel rejected… Many friends and even strangers still come to me to pour their hearts out and I have gradually stopped dreading these encounters. But instead started telling myself ‘it’s not about me…It’s about being a vessel of God’s Love.’ By God’s Grace I have helped stop a teen girl from jumping off a bridge, a friend from leaving her unfaithful husband, another mother out of chronic depression as her son was self harming…. by pointing them to God’s Love for them and also bringing them to appropriate professional counselling. I realise the importance of intentionally making time for individuals who God shows me need heart to heart fellowship. I myself am a beneficiary of this act of love from God-sent angels!

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  Janet Colless

  Member

  07/04/2021 at 23:08

  I have found that it is often a combination of the above reasons, but particularly that I feel inadequate and undertrained/lacking in wisdom.
  I have just broken the ice with a friend who has finally told me about her marriage problems, and we have now developed a new level of trust We are meeting for a coffee every week and “ turning our chairs” towards each orher

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  Jana Mock

  Member

  06/28/2021 at 16:23

  I think most people fear that if they share their true inner world they will be rejected by the ones they love and want to be known by. Because we are both made in the image of God we long for community, but we are also broken by sin and we may struggle with a core of shame over our sin. Just like Dr. Crabb discussed with Adam and Eve. We want to be known, but we are ashamed of what we are really like deep down, our sinful interior worlds. We decide, even at an early age to protect ourselves from rejection by not sharing our inner worlds with others. We forfeit authentic, deep, connected relationships where we are truly known, explored, discovered, and touched to protect our inner spirit from perceived rejection while longing to be accepted and loved for who we truly are. Deep down I think we all believe the lie that if I really let him/her know what I was like they would not love me anymore, they would think less of me, they would reject me. But what did God do in the garden in response to Adam and Eve’s sin? They were completely exposed and vulnerable to a holy God. God could have rejected them, killed them on the spot because the wages of sin is death. Instead, he pursued them with his love and provision and mercy and grace. Even when he pronounced the curse over their lives, the punishment for their sin, he provided the coming Savior, Jesus. If we truly believe Jesus died for all of our sin and we are completely accepted and loved by him regardless of our performance in life, then that helps us overcome the fear of rejection by other sinners. There is a freedom in knowing I am completely loved and accepted by God. If his opinion of me is the only one that truly salsifies my soul, it frees me to open up more to others and not fear their judgement or rejection. In order to not fight my battles alone, I have to remember the one who won the sin battle for me. Jesus’s blood washes me clean and presents me spotless before a Holy God. Jesus bought my acceptance, my freedom to be vulnerable, to connect with other souls, to reveal my true self and live the life he longs for me to live; to flourish and bring glory and honor to him. I want to respond to others like God responded to Adam and Eve – to pursue people, seeking to find and know them so they feel His love, feel cared for and can be changed by his mercy and grace.

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  Tracey Brown

  Member

  06/28/2021 at 00:02

  I agree with Dr. Crabb, as I experience this tendency myself. I know for me I tend to not turn my chair towards others for fear of rejection and or judgement. This society is super judgmental making it hard for people to really feel free to open up to others. I see it a lot in the black church, where people will make someone feel bad about a decision or mistake that one has made. This becomes problematic as people shy away from bringing their issues to the church for fear that their business will be shared and instead of praying for and helping the lost they in end up feeling worst for telling their truths.

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  Anissa Sameer

  Member

  06/24/2021 at 12:55

  Most people are afraid of “turning their chairs” to face another because of a fear of shame. This is likely because they’ve opened up to people in the past and been burned. That trauma prevents them from wanting to open up to another. They also might be putting on a facade so as to keep up appearances and not appear “weak” or “vulnerable”. They are essentially acting a certain role, and this could come from a place of self-preservation, or simply, ego. Another possible reason for this could be that they don’t feel comfortable having other people open up and be vulnerable around them. They feel no need to get close to people and so in turn, are shut off to having other people turn their chairs towards them. I’m going to use myself as an example. I opened up to a co-worker about my depression. She appeared empathetic and even claimed to have words from God for me (she’s Christian). I felt comfortable with her and in the end, she blamed me and made me feel terrible about my mental illness and kept calling me insecure. It took me a very long time to realise that I shouldn’t let that negative experience define the whole of humanity. Jesus died for us for a reason. I just needed to find people that I could ACTUALLY be safe around and be able to discern this more effectively by being spirit led as opposed to being swayed by nice words.

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